to put it bluntly , ed wood would have been proud of this . 
a totally ridiculous plot is encompassed with bad humor , hokey drama , zero logic and a crap screenplay . 
also , a beautifully anti-climactic ending . 
not to say it didn't look intriguing when i saw the previews . 
so much for truth in advertising . 
roland emmerich , who's later " independence day " would look like " the 400 blows " compared to this , co-writed and directed this inane sci-fi film which uses the cliche of there being some connection between eqypt and aliens . 
in a useless opening sequence , men find a stone in 1914 with hieroglyphics on it . 
it wouldn't be till present day ( '94 ) till they would actually figure it out . 
they're decipherer ? 
a slightly-neurotic scientist ( nice twist ) , dr . dan jackson ( james spader , doing his best outside of erotic thrillers and some indy fare ) who's life sucks so much that people walk out of his lectures after the third word . 
why do they use him to decipher what no one else could ? 
so there is a hokey ending ! 
duh ! 
he figures it out in about a minute . 
yea . 
and then they get a suicidal colonel or something , " jack " o'neill ( kurt russel , with his wyat earp locks in the beginning then a flat-top that would make howie long snap into a fetal position ) . 
why a suicidal colonel ? 
for the ending ! 
you'll get the hang of this . 
they open the stargate , a bunch of them go through it with a bomb to blow it up if they find anything bad . 
after an overdone special effects thing , they're . . . inside a goddam pyramid . 
so they went to egypt , right ? 
wrong . 
they're on another planet that was filmed in egypt . 
they discover a cilvilization ruled by ra , the sun god ( the androginous jaye davidson , with a voice modifier to make him sound like barry white with asthma ) , and there are fights , explosions and a kiss between two people . 
yea . 
also melodrama , stupidity , hokey scenes and a bizarre language . 
an anti-climactic ending ends with stupid lines ( " say hello to king tut , asswhole ! " 
- the quintessential line , lemme tell ya ) and some convenient pesudo-pseudo-pseudo-character development . 
by the end , you just wanna go home and watch , i don't know , the " outer limits " or something . 
the script's terrible . 
the special effects are okay , but nothing great . 
the story's so weak that it's almost opaque . 
the whole experience just isn't worth it unless you're so bored that you'd consider watching a " full house " marathon . . . or 
this . 
i'd pick this , obviously , but still , it's just not fun at all . 
and i can't wait for it to premier on mst3k .