it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big-budget blockbusters . 
this year's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world . 
the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee-zerd , lee-zerd . . . " ) , which doesn't make me optimistic about future summers . 
godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner-owned cable stations . 
that this big-budget remake won't rise above its roots is fairly obvious . 
the credits show us the origin of godzilla . 
in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard . 
sounds like an enquirer headline , doesn't it ? 
the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence . 
this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ain't a stereotype . . . ) 
when he discovers the telltale radar blip . 
people die . 
cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick . 
he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin' in the rain . " 
it's a none-too-subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie . 
no dice , bueller . 
from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla's enormous footprint . 
every disaster movie has to have a know-it-all scientist , and this time broderick is it . 
as the world's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and wouldn't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) , 
broderick is invaluable to the government . 
he immediately dispels vicki lewis' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you can't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members . 
broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard . 
 " the radiation isn't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes . 
 " i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again . 
it's vocabulary lightning , you see , activated by words of four syllables or more . 
meanwhile , we're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick's former love . 
gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ? 
poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer . 
italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she's not ruthless enough : " nice doesn't get you anywhere in this town . 
it's dog eat dog . " 
actually , it's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple's core . 
the filmmakers provide us with a one-note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla . 
 " i think i've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him . 
you can guess what happens next . 
similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city . 
hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please don't tell me that's another parade . " 
please don't tell me that's the best line you could come up with . 
mayor ebert is not pleased . 
played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene . 
i guess the filmmakers knew they'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and didn't even bother to kiss ass . 
the problem is , if you're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny . 
dialogue like , " didn't we agree that we weren't going to have any sweets until after the election ? " 
followed by , " back off , gene , " just doesn't work for me . 
other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character's last name and frenchman jean reno's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york . 
there's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses . 
as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food . 
cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection . 
 ( broderick : that's a lot of fish . ) 
that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them . 
yep , godzilla's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla . 
that's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp . 
godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots . 
look no further than patillo's betrayal of broderick ( patillo : what have i done , animal ? 
what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla's nest " sequence in madison square garden . 
the main difference is , independence day was about the experience . 
it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters . 
godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna . 
yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla . 
that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .