the stereotypical american male has an undeniable fetishistic love of sports cars . 
producer jerry bruckheimer plays upon that attraction with a movie so loaded with testosterone and laced titillatingly with shot after frenetic shot of powerful muscle cars , sleek foreign road huggers and iconic speed machines that many males will leave the theater in an orgasmic haze . 
gone is 60 seconds is an orgy of maleness gone horribly awry . 
cage is legendary retired car thief , memphis raines ( don't you love cute movie names ) , who must call upon his time worn skills to save his thick-headed brother ( ribisi ) from being killed . 
seems a murderous crime boss ( eccleston ) with a fetish for wood ( insert your own joke ) hired brother kip to steal a ridiculous amount of expensive , exotic autos . 
fifty cars , to be exact . 
poor kip screws the pooch and bungles the job badly . 
if the cars aren't delivered in three days , bossman has a casket carved out just for kip . 
literally . 
if only someone could save him . 
hmmmm . . wonder 
what memphis is doing ? 
in order to give the film some emotional heft , there are several subplots designed to tug at our heartstrings or give us the thrill of . . . yawn , excuse me , dramatic tension . 
shadowing memphis is an old law enforcement foe ( lindo ) who's looking to send memphis away . 
will he catch him ? 
there's old flame sway ( jolie ) , who had her heart broken by memphis years ago . 
will they get back together ? 
shortsighted , thrill seeker kip idolizes his brother , yet resents him for moving away from the family . 
will they reconnect ? 
raines old mentor ( duvall ) has long since left the life of crime . 
will memphis get him finally caught as he pulls him back into the life , one more time ? 
can you answer all these questions correctly in 2 seconds without seeing the film first ? 
i'll bet you can . 
following the opening credits , which fill you in on the accomplishments of the raines family through a montage of old photos , we was taken full throttle into the splendor that is memphis . 
he's first shown living the good life teaching young children to drive go-carts . 
in a later scene , as misfit brother kip knowingly tells memphis he has the stolen car situation under control , all the while making breakfast , a metaphor is made of shakespearean proportions . 
just as a pan of grease flares up with kip clueless to how to quell it , big brother memphis calmly and efficiently throws some salt on it . 
looks like everything might turn out alright after all . 
you know this because the music swells on the crest of violins . 
that's about as strong as the characterization gets , which is a shame . 
bruckheimer has a real talent for loading his movies with an obscene amount of talent given the task at hand . 
monumentally underused jolie portrays an empty headed sexpot whose idea of sex revolves around cars and memphis . 
or maybe it's just the cars . 
duvall trots out his ornery , but sweet old codger outfit . 
i'm sure he's still laughing at taking a paycheck for this one . 
lindo projects a warm hearted , but tightly focused detective that almost transcends the material . 
the biggest waste of resources is vinnie jones , who plays a mute accomplice of memphis . 
without saying a word , he is easily the most charismatic person in the movie . 
like a blast of nitrous oxide , he attacks each scene with a straightforward zeal . 
too bad his minutes onscreen are so few . 
somehow , bruckheimer manages to attract top hollywood acting talent to high concept , poorly written movies , gussies up the film with lots of gold hues and pleasingly stylized action and they sell like proverbial hotcakes . 
every time something clever happens it's counterbalanced by something so overtly wrong that it jerks you back into realizing you're watching a movie . 
there's a innovative usage of black lighting that goes from being a novelty to a part of the plot . 
it's counterbalanced by an extremely feeble attempt at humor by having an asian american repeatedly failing a driver's test . 
imagine the yuks . 
there's a segment where one of the thieves shows another his cool fake fingerprint trick . 
it's countered by the lame semi-subplot of a car being stolen with a bunch of heroin in the trunk . 
the ramifications are never explored . 
then there's the ridiculousness of the many cops who actually shoot at fleeing cars . 
not only is it stupid , but it's against the law . 
this is a movie made of pretty , but tepid car chases strung together by just enough character interaction to move the plot along . 
gone in 60 seconds aptly describes how long it'll take for this marginally entertaining , but empty film to leave your memory .