i'm really starting to wonder about alicia silverstone . 
sure , she is one of the most beautiful creatures on god's green earth ( second only to that movie critic at large guy ) , but when it comes to choosing what movies she stars in , she always strikes out . 
the crush was a slow-moving , predictable piece of fluff . 
hideaway was a horrific novel adaptation alicia had only a minor role in . 
clueless was an annoying , unfunny waste of time . 
and people have e-mailed me too , saying clueless is a good movie and that i'm the only one who doesn't like it . 
one girl said if i'd seen the movie with " an open mind , " i would have enjoyed it . 
nothing could be further from the truth . 
i went into the theater expecting to love the movie . 
the preview looked good and of course i'm crazymadinlove with alicia , but the movie was a bunch of bad jokes coming from whiny , unlikable characters . 
almost everyone i saw the movie with felt the same way . 
when we were walking out of the theater , one guy ( and it wasn't me ) yelled out , " that was the worst f$&#in' movie i've ever seen " and the rest of us had to laugh in agreement . 
so last night i walked into the video store and saw alicia's pretty face on the cover of some made-for-video thriller called the babysitter . 
i knew it would be bad but some inner compulsion i'll probably never understand made me rent it anyway . 
what i got was 90 minutes of regret--the worst alicia silverstone movie ever . 
and you already know from the last paragraph what the competition is like . 
where to begin in criticizing this movie ? 
the plot is a thin shred that moves slower than a glacier , the writing could have been done ( and for all we know it was ) by a ten year old , alicia is the star and she's still wasted in a movie that has no appeal whatsoever . 
there is zero humor , zero suspense , zero drama and zero action , until the last ten minutes , when the story is needlessly and pointlessly concluded with a violent sequence . 
zero plus zero plus zero plus zero equals zero . 
so why does this movie get one star out of me ? 
well , alicia spends twenty minutes of the movie in the bathtub . 
and if it wasn't bubble bath , the babysitter would have instantly joined the ranks of our other four- star features , but you settle for what you can get . 
alicia plays a babysitter who's spending friday night looking after two kids whose parents are out getting drunk at a cocktail party . 
and of course anyone as beautiful as alicia automatically spends their friday nights at home ( at least that movie critic at large guy does ) . 
as the movie trods along , we discover she's not only the mostly-silent star of the movie but also the object of every male character's fantasies ( and probably every male viewer's too ) . 
the drunken father thinks she's just the thing to recapture his lost youth , her boyfriend lets his imagination run wild while spying on alicia from outside , even the prepubescent boy looks in on alicia through the bathroom keyhole while she's taking her bubble bath . 
they even throw in the middle aged wife's fantasies about a male counterpart at the party . 
not that any of us asked or ever even thought about seeing this 200+ pound woman in a black silk teddy . 
at least none of the sex fanatasies ever leave the realm of the pg-rated . 
in fact , i could imagine the babysitter becoming a cinemax late-night staple if not for the fact that there's absolutely no nudity in it . 
so you can't call it a sex flick . 
i've already pointed out that it can't fall under drama , comedy , thriller or action , so what do you classify the babysitter as ? 
bad .